"Every day may not be good but there is good in every day"
I wake up every morning and roll out of bed leaving my snuggly furry babies in the warmth of my fuzzy pink blankets. I yawn, stretch and ponder momentarily about crawling back into my cozy nest. I shake the thought away, "You can't spend your life in bed sleeping no matter how amazing it is!" Falling through the doorway to my bathroom I flip on the lights and squint my eyes in disgust at the beams forcing themselves so viciously into my pupils. I hate mornings. I sleepily fumble through my morning ritual; turn on shower, waste time on facebook while the shower warms up, get in shower and wonder why it is socially unacceptable to skip this every day and how much it would really affect others if I just bypassed this silliness. Finish annoying shower step, wash my face, brush my chompers, and sit in the sink (yes I sit in the sink every morning) to do my hair and consider putting on make-up. I opt against it. I am not going to work to find a suitor. My kids don't care if I look like Michelle Pfeiffer's character, Lamia, in the movie Stardust; in the end battle scene.
Yet another day has begun. Ugh.
My poor pups give me sad, sleepy eyes in silent complaint as I gently wake them from their slumber. Once I leave the bed for my "morning torture" they are in heaven and sprawl in every direction in a state of overwhelming comfort. We all walk outside, still only half awake. After our walk they get to go back to sleep for a few more hours in my sister's room so I don't know what they would be complaining about when I wake them.
Time to go to work. I grab my bag and keys and walk out the door, leaving my coffee and breakfast sitting on the counter top. Again. Without fail, I trip down one or two stairs and pause mumbling curses to the cement death trap that is my stairwell. I locate my unbelievably classy '95 Camry and climb in. I need to clean it again as there are dog nose smears on all the windows. I'll do it tomorrow. The best thing about tomorrow is that there is always another one. Please start, car, please start. Ah, there is the familiar low grumble of my increasingly rusty chariot of glamour. Yea buddy! We are good. Five minutes late?! How did that take five extra minutes? GAH!
I race to work now, driving like a crazy person. Cussing at all of the geniuses on the round-a-bouts and swearing that I should be the person handing out driver's licenses. In reality, I am probably just as bad a driver though this is the only time I will admit it. I pull in to the spot that has become my regular place and walk quickly to the back to clock-in. Ah, the usual line at the computers. We have about a bazillion people that need to clock-in and only two "all staff" computers that we conveniently get to share with the children. The hardrives run slower than a tortoise on sedatives and it is 8:14. One more minute and I am late! Come on. weemmert...*enter*...wrong user name? What?! weemmert...*enter*...wrong again?! Stupid god forsaken client login company time clo...oh wait. yea that's right. I was typing the wrong user name. Ball sack! It is one 'E', one freaking 'E'! 8:16 AHHHH! one minute late! I am surprised I still have a job, I am always clocking in at 8:16.
Another day starting off stupendously! *sarcasm*
I am prepared to face my day, expecting it to go as well as it started. woohoo. The minutes blur into hours as I rush through my whole morning. There isn't enough time to get my job done. Enough time? Who am I kidding? There is NO time to get my job done. I haven't opened one of my kids' binders to update graphs and check programs for at least 3 weeks. I shudder to think of the amount of data pages that need scanned. Three weeks worth of work and rarely less than five kids to test needs to be done in four hours. Unless I have lunches, then it is 2.5 hours. Fingers crossed that someone else is open to help. No? Ah nuts.
I am racing around the center. Frequently I am forgetting what it was I was doing or who it was I was looking for. Did I remember to take my adderrol? Clearly I need to start investing in extended release. Then it happens. It always comes in different forms. Never at the same time of the day. But always when I need it most. A small but loud voice fills the room in a flurry of strung together sentences that only make sense to those who hear them daily, "Hi, Whitney! How are you today? you are good? There's nothing to see! Oh my gosh, Nemo is swimming out to sea. Buh buh buh ( that would be Blue's voice from Blue's Clues). Did you see the doctor's coat? It's beeeauuutiful". My heart smiles. A warm, filling, bursting, insanely happy, heart smile.
It may not have been a good day but I certainly found my good. Every day it is different. Maybe it is a bright smile or giggle for no reason from a "little". Perhaps it is a huge overwhelming hug from a kiddo that I haven't seen in maybe an hour but they still felt like hugging me anyway. My all time favorite moments are the spontaneous "typical" skills that occur. The ones that we all spend countless periods trying to teach. The ones that we all take for granted like looking someone in the eye to acknowledge they need something, saying a sentence that has more than one word, or turning toward someone when they hear their name. My list goes on and on.
To be honest, my "goods" don't only happen at work but I would be lying if I said those weren't the best kind. My dog's are constantly doing things that make me laugh. Sometimes when a fresh breeze blows through filling my nose with the scent of spring or fall I smile, relishing the calming feeling that comes with it.
Every day is full of small, happy moments that I forget about. Unfortunately, it is easier to focus on the bad things that happen daily. The stress, the amount of work, the lack of time, the drama, the frustrations, the loneliness, the bills, and the relationships. Sometimes I fall asleep at night and wonder what on earth the plan for my life is and if it will forever be a dreary chain of waking, working, and drowning in debt. Destined to spend my days working toward a life and a love that isn't written into my stars. With that kind of thinking it is inevitable that my life will turn out exactly the way I don't want it to.
I spend my spare thinking moments repeating things in my head as reminders that life is what you make it and there is a plan that will wind up going the right way even if it isn't the way that I might see it going. I have decided that in addition to my inspirational thoughts and mirror full of dry erase markered quotes that serve as visual reminders that life is in fact awesome, I will find the good in every day. Even if that day was not good. That one good will turn into two, then three and so on. Eventually the goods will outweigh the bad without me having to consciously search for them at the end of everyday. My heart will smile more, my soul will feel lighter, I will enjoy the little things in life just a bit more, and I won't feel the urge to growl at people on a regular basis (this is something that I have yet to actually do but that doesn't mean I haven't wanted to).
So, today's good...
My little one was full of giggles and happiness today at work. Whatever they were thinking I wish they could have shared. I spent the whole afternoon grinning back and trying to track their eyes, wondering what it could have been that was making them so unbelievably happy and so in love with life at that moment. I am in awe of these fantastic children. They never cease to amaze me!
