Her coffee was cold by now as she stirred it lazily with a spoon. Head rested on her hand; her mind lolled over his words from the beginning.
"Of course I like you, I talk to you everyday, I come to visit on the weekends. Would I do that if I didn't like you? I just don't want to be in a serious relationship for a while. I told you that from the get-go, right?"
She had heard those words so often before. From her own lips. It's what she said when she didn't really see a relationship going anywhere but liked having the company. She stopped listening to his feigned 'sorries' and dwelt in her thoughts. no wonder I steer clear of relationships. This feels awful! I always knew I was protecting myself from something . She had seen the hurt looking back at her from the other side of a table; just as hers had looked back at him now. She had always been able to keep eye contact, never faltering as she tore worlds apart. The eye contact was not broken at this moment either. "Karma is a bitch isn't she?" Her words cut his sentence off while he was in the midst of talking in circles around himself.
"Wait, what?" He stuttered, thrown off by her sudden input into the so far one sided conversation.
She laughed and finally took her eyes off the swirling, caramel colored drink. "I said, 'karma is a bitch'". Sitting up from her lazy slouch she breathed in deeply here we go she thought. "You don't have to explain yourself to me. I get it, really, I do. I've said the same thing to every person since my fiancé. Honestly, stop apologizing"
He stared wide eyed back at her. He wasn't accustomed to being told anything outright like that but she wasn't used to being told no. She never thought the shoe would be on the other foot, usually the wall she built up held strong against a pair of blue eyes; not this time. "How obnoxious", she whispered under her breath, accidentally saying her thoughts out loud. Shaking her head she continued, " I am usually the one saying this to people, nobody says this to me. I'm not trying to sound conceited but I don't let anyone close enough to pull this kind of stuff. I'm just angry with myself really. I let myself like you more than you liked me." She rolled her eyes in annoyance and muttered, "that won't be happening again".
Blue eyes looked back at her sadly really? You are giving me a pity look? Fuck that shit; the look made her blood boil. "Look, I don't really care what you do" , she really did, " I'm just going with the flow" she put on her best poker face. Sometimes her expressions gave away her thoughts but not this time. She wouldn't give him the pleasure of knowing that he had that power over her; the power to break her heart.
"I don't have time for this sort of silliness. I won't be someone's second choice. I won't be the one to fill someone's time just because they want a person to hang out with. I am too good for that. So, if you can say that somewhere down the line you see this working then I don't have a problem continuing this. Whatever this is."
Blank, sad eyes looked back at her, "So I keep you now or lose you forever?"
"What do you mean?" She was puzzled.
"you'll go find someone else."
"No I won't." She lied. a wise woman leaves before she is left looped through her mind; it had become her calling card by now. She wanted to leave an open window for if he ever came walking back into her life. If this is how he was going to play this game she wanted to make sure that he got back what he deserved, ten fold. Nobody was going to make her fall in love and then ruin her. Every man who tried always paid dearly for that mistake.
"Listen", she sighed, "You told me that you didn't want a relationship for a while right? Well, you can't drag me around. Figure your shit out and if I am still available then maybe we can talk; I probably won't be available but if I am then you can call."
She pushed her cup to the middle of her table and pressed her hands onto the edge. Biggest mistake you have ever made sliding her chair from under the table she stood and tossed some cash onto the table you will come back, they always do, she smirked at the thought. He watched her carefully, silently as she turned to walk out the door.
"I don't know what to say."
She stopped abruptly and looked back, "Don't say anything. Just fix yourself and come back to me okay?"
"Okay" he smiled, a little light returning to his eyes.
******
The darkness welcomed her as she opened the front door. Sweeping past the light switch she threw her handbag onto the floor in the entryway. Her path was rote; through the front door, ten steps forward, turn right. From there three steps to the left was the kitchen or fifteen steps in front of her was the living room. Moving forward she stopped just before the couch. Her eyes were adjusting now and she could see the faint outline of the television and the tall bookshelf standing next to it.
She was so proud of her bookshelf. She had crafted it herself and filled it to the brim with books both new and old. She loved the smell of the old yellowing books that she spent hours in antique stores searching for. The new ones she loved just as much as they were always filled with such amazing adventures. She glided toward it whimsically as her thoughts took her through the titles that she had carefully organized. She knew the location of each one. She paused in front of it fourth shelf down. Sixth book from the right. her fingers skimmed across the spines. She stopped as her finger tips felt the familiar ridges of the leather-bound novel. It was a collection of short stories by her favorite author Edgar Allan Poe.
She lifted it from it's resting place. The scent of the leather and aging pages wafted up to her nose and she breathed in deeply, closing her eyes. Holding it in her hands she opened the cover and ran her hand down the first page then over to the side. Finding the familiar notch along the edge she dug her nails into it and pulled the pages open. "Ah, there you are" she whispered as she found her favorite story, The Tell-Tale Heart. The carved hole beneath the title of the story revealed itself clearly against the stark white of the pages and she reached inside, fingers curling around a large antique brass key. She let the book fall to the floor and moved the key into the empty hole on the shelf that the novel had once occupied. She felt blindly for the key hole, the pitch black of the lightless room made it difficult to find the small hole. The key finally slipped into its resting place; she turned it carefully.
Click the bookshelf groaned and creaked as it popped open away from the wall. She pulled it open farther and walked inside. Flames shot up from the torches that lined the wall as she walked carefully down the hallway. The floor was carpeted in deep black and the walls seemed ominous as they glowed a deep red, reflecting the light of the flickering torches. Her every step echoed around her. She quickened her pace. At the end of the hall stood a tall door. It was a deep mahogany covered in rich hand carved designs and on it rested a large brass handle that was shaped like a ring. As she grew closer to the door her steps mixed with a deep steady sound, like the beating of a heart. With each step the beat became louder and seemed to multiply. Each sound had a different rhythm but the same steady familiar pace.
As she reached the door and touched the handle the pounding stopped. Every beat paused in anxiety as if whatever was behind the door could feel her presence. She sighed and closed her eyes, Smiled and opened them again. She pulled the heavy door open with all her might. She stepped through the threshold and the pounding resumed loudly, quickly, as if everything within the room was in a sudden panic. Flames poured through the room and leapt up to rest upon the torches that hung from the walls. "My dear sweet loves, how I have missed you", she stepped gracefully toward the middle of the room where a large marble table rested. The pounding was racing. So many rhythms each now with its own anxious pace. The sound was like being surrounded by dozens of drummers each one playing his own tune with no two alike.
She hummed to herself and twirled around sending her dress spinning open in a wide circle. Lifting her arms above her head she pirouetted around the table happily moving along with the beat of the drumming. Her eyes opened as she came to a stop in front of the table and looked longingly down at it. "I loved you all, you know. I did. I couldn't let you hurt me. You understand don't you?" She ran her hands along the boxes that rested atop the large table. Each one was intricate and unique matching the personalities of what laid inside.
"You will be having some company soon. There is another that I love. He thinks that he is going to leave me." She picked up the box closest to her hand. It shuddered and began to pulse violently in fear. "Now, now my love. Calm yourself. You are safe now and so am I. You can't hurt me when you are like this. Now I can hold you forever. You and all of my other loves. I have you forever." She carefully lifted the lid to the box in her hand and reached inside. "There, there now", the heart pulsed irregularly, beating in terror. She squeezed it gently, "I promised you once I would be careful. Did I lie? I saved you from your body. He was so careless. You would have been in so much more pain if I had left you in him, he would have gotten you broken." It raced trying desperately to leap from her hand. She lowered the heart back into the box and closed the lid, "You are safe here my love. No one can break you now." She placed it back onto the table and sat down next to it. Moving it and the other boxes around her she closed her eyes and began to hum. Smiling she touched the top of each one, "There will be another soon. There will be another."
