"Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Don't. Stop. Breathing." I closed my eyes to concentrate harder on the words as I whispered them. Another anxiety attack at work. Another moment that I let my thoughts and hurt feelings get the best of me. Another strike from a bolt of reality bringing me to the painful realization that I'm not wanted. It comes in the weirdest forms; a song, a smell, a word, a picture, the sun, a tree, a dog, the breeze, the freaking sound of time passing. Everything in, on, or around my environment retains a strong probability of triggering emotional pain. All of it a direct result of being lied to for two years and one devastating phone call. A phone call.
In our fast paced world of texting, social networking, poking, prodding, liking, and following, it is incredibly easy for people to hide behind a mask of technology. It allows for a comfortable amount of disconnect from facing situations that may cause uneasiness. Why deal with having a real conversation, a face to face discussion, to completely wreck someone's confidence, life, dreams, and feeling of self worth when you can do it over the phone and then hang up on them when it gets too uncomfortable? That way, you don't have to explain yourself, you never have to give direct answers, and you don't have to see the pain that you are causing. With your shield of technology you don't have to answer the phone when they call, return texts, or emails, or utilize whatever other mode of contact one might use to get through to someone. Technology gives you an out to be one and done. Oh I'm sorry, those of you who hide behind your phone, your cowardice is showing.
I wish I could put into words the slew of emotions that I have been through since I got that self-serving phone call. Essentially I got exposure to all five stages of grief on a daily basis. Multiple times a day. Strangest emotional experience of my life. One that I never desire to have ever again nor would I wish it upon any mortal enemy. Then, out of nowhere, after all of that pain, all of the tears, all of the processing, writing, and meditating, I finally had a strangely foreign feeling of peace. Freedom. Pure happiness.
What? Happiness? I thought I was happy for the last two years! Where is this coming from? It hit me. Like Miley Cyrus on a wrecking ball, it hit me. I was miserable the last two years. I was so in love with the thought of being in love that I forced myself to think I was happy. What the hell was wrong with me? I spent the last two years putting up with being pushed to the side, neglected, ignored, lied to, put down, brought down, and disrespected all because I thought that some other person was right for me. I spent two years buying into the pretend feelings someone claimed to have; catering to someone who cared more about themselves and how they were feeling or how they might be affected without ever giving my feelings a passing glance. Why did I do this? Well, truth be told, I'm a giver. To a fault, obviously. I like helping people. Making people happy makes me happy. There's a reason that I work in the field I do and it is because I get the most amazing feeling when I know that I have positively affected someone else's life. That is why I wasted two years of my life, because I was working to make someone else happy. At the expense of myself. I see that now. I learned a rough lesson from it. I'm better from it.
Today, I had a moment of weakness. I let their words get to me again. I let them bring me down again. I let them poke a hole in my freshly mended but still vulnerable feeling of self worth. Again. I fought back tears on the way home and as I moved robotically through my after work routine. Then, as I laced up my shoes to begin my evening run, I sat up and stared at the wall. Out of nowhere that strange easy feeling drifted over me and I looked around to see my world for how perfect it was now. I no longer have to deal with feeling like I am not worth someone's time. I don't have to listen to someone pick apart my every flaw and bring up my past mistakes daily. I don't have to listen to someone call me everyday, after I've had a long 8 hours of work, and expect support from me for their problems at work, with their friends they thought were annoying, or their overbearing family members only to have that person scoff in annoyance and end the conversation when I needed to talk out my stressors in life. I no longer had to sit around and waste my time wondering what I did wrong or what I could do to make it all better for them. I have no reason to spend my days caring for someone who couldn't care less for me when I have already wasted 730 days of my life doing just that.
With one fell swoop, one phone call, I lost my world, my entire future, my love; I lost a whole 200 pounds of extra person from myself. A whole person was just completely gone from my life as a result of one horrible call. Though I did not see it at the time, I can see it clearly now, with that same phone call I found my sweet freedom.
My feet hit the pavement and a light spring breeze hit my face as I took to the sidewalk. Steps that had once been a struggle to complete now came to me with ease. I smiled as the cool air surrounded me and encouraged me to keep moving forward. I didn't have to remind myself to keep breathing; I just did.
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Thursday, March 27, 2014
The Home She Once Loved
The gentle tapping of the water droplets echoed around her, bouncing off of the now glistening ink black pavement. The cool rain seeped down her face and onto her dress sending a chill through her bones; a shudder that seemed out of place on such a stuffy summer evening. She welcomed the brief reprieve from this unseasonably hot July. Realizing that she had been standing still for far too long she finally looked around blinking the rain from her eyes,thankful that it hid her tears. It had been a long time since she had really been in this place and the memories flooded back to her so quickly that it was painful. Walking slowly along the street, she approached the home that she had once loved so much. It stood quietly inside a cove of trees which, at their fullest, blocked the small one-story cabin from view.
The dim light from inside the house shone through the semi-sheer curtains that hung in the windows. She smiled. She had looked through a dozen different stores until she finally found those curtains. They fit the room so perfectly that Will uncharacteristically agreed that they were worth the price tag. It was either that or he had grown so tired of shopping for curtains that he just gave in to the purchase. Whatever the reason, they still hung in the windows and they still looked perfect.
As she moved further up the drive she heard laughter coming from the back and smelled the undeniable scent of a dying bonfire. The bonfire pit had been the first project for the cabin. She and Will had wanted a place where they could sit and enjoy the world around them, either with all their friends or just themselves. So, they built a large covered porch onto the back of the house with a stone fire pit that could double as a grill. Grilling outside was one of Will's favorite things to do. She laughed to herself as she remembered all the nights that they had spent around the fire drinking beer and making burgers. Those nights were the definition of happiness. She missed them. She shook the thoughts away and walked toward the laughter.
Everything around her looked just as it had the day that she left, with the exception of the bright red sport car that was parked neatly next to a nearly identical black one. It was ironic that he had found someone who had a car so similar to the one that he loved so much. Almost like it was fate. A fate that wouldn't have happened if she had just stayed; if she hadn't been so afraid of forever that she left the only person who had made her world make sense. Somehow she had convinced herself that they weren't right for each other, that he didn't love her, that they wouldn't work out in the end, and so she left. It was the biggest mistake that she had ever made. Well, not the biggest mistake. There was one much bigger. She furrowed her brow, she couldn't take that one back now no matter how badly she wanted to.
The rain had turned into a light drizzle now, dripping over the leaves of the trees quietly, peacefully. It was a relaxing sound that mixed with the other soft noises of nature around her. She stopped for a moment and breathed in deeply. A breath so deep that it should have mended the ache in her chest. It was the type of ache that made you feel as though you could never catch a full breath again; like something was pushing onto your chest so firmly that one would feel trapped within themselves. She looked down at her bare feet covered in wet grass, she was sure that hadn't been able to catch her breath for years now. Laughter broke her drifting thoughts and she resumed her silent walk through the trees to the back of the house.
What would he think if he knew that she was here. What would SHE think if she knew that his ex was here, standing only yards away from the house that they had once planned to spend their lives in. She wondered if Will had even mentioned her to his new flame with the little red sports car. Pausing not far from the two people who were the source of the laughter she eased herself between two trees so that she could see him clearly. Her Will. Her love. Her life. She wanted to run to him. To hold him so tightly that the past changed itself, as if it had never had happened.
She lunged forward at the thought of being near him again but stopped herself abruptly mid-step. The sudden movement had caught his eye and he looked toward the tree that she hoped hid her from view. Holding her breath she waited. Had he seen her? Will stared intently into the darkness, sure that he had seen a figure standing there between the trees. As if he stared hard enough the figure might reappear.
"Will. Will. William!" The shrill voice of the woman sitting next to him broke his concentration and he looked away from the darkened spot in the distance.
"Huh? What?"
"Will, what is wrong? What are you looking at?"
"I saw...at least I thought I saw...you know what, it was nothing." He looked back into the darkness and shook his head, "It was nothing."
"Are you sure it was nothing? Will, you are shaking. Should we call the police or something?"
Will put his head in his hand and sighed. "No. I'm sorry, I was just startled. I thought I saw something move over there and it caught me off guard. It's nothing to worry about."
The dark shadows from the trees had done their job and hid her from his view. She eased out from behind them again, slowly this time so as not to alert him. She could watch him more easily this way, an unobstructed view into the life that she should have had. The moments passed slowly as she watched the woman sitting next to him stroke his hair and squeeze his hand. Her stomach jumped from heartache. He looked so happy sitting there with her, his wife. Suddenly, he looked up into the darkness. He stood up quickly from his seat letting his beer fall from his hand and shatter onto the dark treated wood beneath his feet. He had seen her through the trees. For sure this time. Her heart sank as she stole one last look at him and turned on her heels to run deep into the darkness behind her.
Will stood still, feet frozen to the ground, breathing quickly in panic. He had seen her standing there. He was sure of it this time. There was no mistaking the tall, slim figure with long hair pasted to the frame of her face from the rain. It was her. He jumped when his wife grabbed his arm, "William, what on earth? What is wrong with you?"
"I saw her. There, between the trees. Just standing. I saw her." His eyes never left the spot as he spoke.
"What? Who? I am calling the police. This is insane."
"Stop." He turned toward her and grabbed the phone from her hand. "Don't. Stop. She isn't there anymore."
"Who the hell are you talking about?"
"Lina."
"Your ex? Oh I am definitely calling the cops now. That is fucking nuts, Will! Are you kidding me? Your ex is standing in our yard watching us from the trees!"
Will held the phone firmly in his hand as he looked back toward the darkness. "No, you don't understand. She's gone now. There's no point."
The short blonde woman stared at him in disbelief. "Is this a joke? What would she be doing here? What if she comes back? Why the hell would she not come knock on the door rather than hide in the trees to watch us?"
He turned back to his wife. Face blank from the shock of being startled. "You don't understand. You won't need to worry about her." The small woman appeared even smaller as she looked up at him, worried. "She is gone. She won't come back. I am sure of it."
"How do you know?" She asked, her voice starting to quiver.
"Because," His face grew somber and the color faded from it once more, "she is dead, Emily."
"Huh?" Emily stepped back from him. "No she isn't. She was just standing there. You saw her. Besides, I would have known. You would have told me something like that."
"Emily, Lina killed herself on the day that you and I were married."
Emily fell back into her chair. Shaking she tried to regain her composure. "This is ridiculous, Will. Stop it right now."
"I didn't tell you because I didn't want it to freak you out." Will sat next to her and held her hand gently to try to calm her. "Emily, when we left that night after the reception we went straight to the airport for our trip to Hawaii. I had a few of the guys take all of the gifts and extra things back to the house because I knew it would be a week before we were back. I didn't want our parents to worry about moving it all back and forth. When they got here there was a dwindling fire in the fire pit and empty beer bottles strewn around the porch. It was raining. They knew someone had been here so they checked around to see if they could find anything else." He stopped talking and pulled his hand away. He stood up warily and took a few steps toward the spot in the trees that he had stared at so intently just a few moments ago.
"Emily." His voice trailed off. "Emily, Lina and I were supposed to get married. She left before the wedding day. I saw her a few times here and there after that and she seemed fine. She always told me, on those times we met, that I was the one for her. She never asked me to take her back though. She said that she could see I was happy and didn't want to take that away from me."
He turned to Emily sitting in the chair, her face pale from shock. "They found her in her wedding dress," a tear ran silently down his face, "hanging from that tree." He pointed back to shadowed place in the wooded cove. "They took care of calling the police. Everything was sorted out before we got home. I made them swear to never tell you. I am sorry. I know that I should have said something."
Emily looked from her husband to the tree and back again, stood warily, then raced into the house. He remained for a moment squinting into the black of the night. "I'm sorry Lina," he whispered before going into the house to try to calm his wife.
Standing in the darkness, alone, out of breath, and weary from running, Lina watched through tear filled eyes as Will walked away. She has been running through this darkness for years now. There is no way out. She had hoped that she would be happier here in the place that she loved. She thought that maybe she could stay here in the moments that she cherished and relive them for an eternity. Instead, she found herself trapped in these trees, destined to watch the love that she should have had thrive in someone else's heart. "I am sorry too," she whispered back before resuming her endless walk through the trees surrounding the home that she once loved.
The dim light from inside the house shone through the semi-sheer curtains that hung in the windows. She smiled. She had looked through a dozen different stores until she finally found those curtains. They fit the room so perfectly that Will uncharacteristically agreed that they were worth the price tag. It was either that or he had grown so tired of shopping for curtains that he just gave in to the purchase. Whatever the reason, they still hung in the windows and they still looked perfect.
As she moved further up the drive she heard laughter coming from the back and smelled the undeniable scent of a dying bonfire. The bonfire pit had been the first project for the cabin. She and Will had wanted a place where they could sit and enjoy the world around them, either with all their friends or just themselves. So, they built a large covered porch onto the back of the house with a stone fire pit that could double as a grill. Grilling outside was one of Will's favorite things to do. She laughed to herself as she remembered all the nights that they had spent around the fire drinking beer and making burgers. Those nights were the definition of happiness. She missed them. She shook the thoughts away and walked toward the laughter.
Everything around her looked just as it had the day that she left, with the exception of the bright red sport car that was parked neatly next to a nearly identical black one. It was ironic that he had found someone who had a car so similar to the one that he loved so much. Almost like it was fate. A fate that wouldn't have happened if she had just stayed; if she hadn't been so afraid of forever that she left the only person who had made her world make sense. Somehow she had convinced herself that they weren't right for each other, that he didn't love her, that they wouldn't work out in the end, and so she left. It was the biggest mistake that she had ever made. Well, not the biggest mistake. There was one much bigger. She furrowed her brow, she couldn't take that one back now no matter how badly she wanted to.
The rain had turned into a light drizzle now, dripping over the leaves of the trees quietly, peacefully. It was a relaxing sound that mixed with the other soft noises of nature around her. She stopped for a moment and breathed in deeply. A breath so deep that it should have mended the ache in her chest. It was the type of ache that made you feel as though you could never catch a full breath again; like something was pushing onto your chest so firmly that one would feel trapped within themselves. She looked down at her bare feet covered in wet grass, she was sure that hadn't been able to catch her breath for years now. Laughter broke her drifting thoughts and she resumed her silent walk through the trees to the back of the house.
What would he think if he knew that she was here. What would SHE think if she knew that his ex was here, standing only yards away from the house that they had once planned to spend their lives in. She wondered if Will had even mentioned her to his new flame with the little red sports car. Pausing not far from the two people who were the source of the laughter she eased herself between two trees so that she could see him clearly. Her Will. Her love. Her life. She wanted to run to him. To hold him so tightly that the past changed itself, as if it had never had happened.
She lunged forward at the thought of being near him again but stopped herself abruptly mid-step. The sudden movement had caught his eye and he looked toward the tree that she hoped hid her from view. Holding her breath she waited. Had he seen her? Will stared intently into the darkness, sure that he had seen a figure standing there between the trees. As if he stared hard enough the figure might reappear.
"Will. Will. William!" The shrill voice of the woman sitting next to him broke his concentration and he looked away from the darkened spot in the distance.
"Huh? What?"
"Will, what is wrong? What are you looking at?"
"I saw...at least I thought I saw...you know what, it was nothing." He looked back into the darkness and shook his head, "It was nothing."
"Are you sure it was nothing? Will, you are shaking. Should we call the police or something?"
Will put his head in his hand and sighed. "No. I'm sorry, I was just startled. I thought I saw something move over there and it caught me off guard. It's nothing to worry about."
The dark shadows from the trees had done their job and hid her from his view. She eased out from behind them again, slowly this time so as not to alert him. She could watch him more easily this way, an unobstructed view into the life that she should have had. The moments passed slowly as she watched the woman sitting next to him stroke his hair and squeeze his hand. Her stomach jumped from heartache. He looked so happy sitting there with her, his wife. Suddenly, he looked up into the darkness. He stood up quickly from his seat letting his beer fall from his hand and shatter onto the dark treated wood beneath his feet. He had seen her through the trees. For sure this time. Her heart sank as she stole one last look at him and turned on her heels to run deep into the darkness behind her.
Will stood still, feet frozen to the ground, breathing quickly in panic. He had seen her standing there. He was sure of it this time. There was no mistaking the tall, slim figure with long hair pasted to the frame of her face from the rain. It was her. He jumped when his wife grabbed his arm, "William, what on earth? What is wrong with you?"
"I saw her. There, between the trees. Just standing. I saw her." His eyes never left the spot as he spoke.
"What? Who? I am calling the police. This is insane."
"Stop." He turned toward her and grabbed the phone from her hand. "Don't. Stop. She isn't there anymore."
"Who the hell are you talking about?"
"Lina."
"Your ex? Oh I am definitely calling the cops now. That is fucking nuts, Will! Are you kidding me? Your ex is standing in our yard watching us from the trees!"
Will held the phone firmly in his hand as he looked back toward the darkness. "No, you don't understand. She's gone now. There's no point."
The short blonde woman stared at him in disbelief. "Is this a joke? What would she be doing here? What if she comes back? Why the hell would she not come knock on the door rather than hide in the trees to watch us?"
He turned back to his wife. Face blank from the shock of being startled. "You don't understand. You won't need to worry about her." The small woman appeared even smaller as she looked up at him, worried. "She is gone. She won't come back. I am sure of it."
"How do you know?" She asked, her voice starting to quiver.
"Because," His face grew somber and the color faded from it once more, "she is dead, Emily."
"Huh?" Emily stepped back from him. "No she isn't. She was just standing there. You saw her. Besides, I would have known. You would have told me something like that."
"Emily, Lina killed herself on the day that you and I were married."
Emily fell back into her chair. Shaking she tried to regain her composure. "This is ridiculous, Will. Stop it right now."
"I didn't tell you because I didn't want it to freak you out." Will sat next to her and held her hand gently to try to calm her. "Emily, when we left that night after the reception we went straight to the airport for our trip to Hawaii. I had a few of the guys take all of the gifts and extra things back to the house because I knew it would be a week before we were back. I didn't want our parents to worry about moving it all back and forth. When they got here there was a dwindling fire in the fire pit and empty beer bottles strewn around the porch. It was raining. They knew someone had been here so they checked around to see if they could find anything else." He stopped talking and pulled his hand away. He stood up warily and took a few steps toward the spot in the trees that he had stared at so intently just a few moments ago.
"Emily." His voice trailed off. "Emily, Lina and I were supposed to get married. She left before the wedding day. I saw her a few times here and there after that and she seemed fine. She always told me, on those times we met, that I was the one for her. She never asked me to take her back though. She said that she could see I was happy and didn't want to take that away from me."
He turned to Emily sitting in the chair, her face pale from shock. "They found her in her wedding dress," a tear ran silently down his face, "hanging from that tree." He pointed back to shadowed place in the wooded cove. "They took care of calling the police. Everything was sorted out before we got home. I made them swear to never tell you. I am sorry. I know that I should have said something."
Emily looked from her husband to the tree and back again, stood warily, then raced into the house. He remained for a moment squinting into the black of the night. "I'm sorry Lina," he whispered before going into the house to try to calm his wife.
Standing in the darkness, alone, out of breath, and weary from running, Lina watched through tear filled eyes as Will walked away. She has been running through this darkness for years now. There is no way out. She had hoped that she would be happier here in the place that she loved. She thought that maybe she could stay here in the moments that she cherished and relive them for an eternity. Instead, she found herself trapped in these trees, destined to watch the love that she should have had thrive in someone else's heart. "I am sorry too," she whispered back before resuming her endless walk through the trees surrounding the home that she once loved.
Friday, December 27, 2013
Unwritten
I wrote this back on August 8, 2010 and came across it again today as I flipped through my old journals. I don't know if that is a bad thing though that I can still apply a poem about life that I wrote three years ago to my life today. oh well...
Unwritten
The path that lies before me is jagged and gray.
It is times like these I wish I could go back the other way.
The choices I have made have led me to this point;
Standing at the crossroad with no clear end in sight.
Why is life so hard, so unwritten, with no clear path?
The one great adventure.
How you live your dash.
What I wouldn't give to have it written out for me.
Where did God leave his book?
Why not out for me to see?
I could use it to look ahead.
I could read the ending page.
Like a novel written just for me;
I could see my final days.
Was I happy?
Did I live in love and grace?
Where did I end up?
Can I see my husband's face?
Did I make him happy?
Did I give him my whole heart?
When did our family come?
I would skip to all these parts.
If only this could happen;
if I could see my life's mistakes
and what it took to fix them,
what chances did I take?
What I wouldn't give to have it written out for me.
Where did God leave his book?
Why not out for me to see?
*"How you live your dash" is a nod to one of my favorite poems "The Dash" written by Linda Ellis*
Unwritten
The path that lies before me is jagged and gray.
It is times like these I wish I could go back the other way.
The choices I have made have led me to this point;
Standing at the crossroad with no clear end in sight.
Why is life so hard, so unwritten, with no clear path?
The one great adventure.
How you live your dash.
What I wouldn't give to have it written out for me.
Where did God leave his book?
Why not out for me to see?
I could use it to look ahead.
I could read the ending page.
Like a novel written just for me;
I could see my final days.
Was I happy?
Did I live in love and grace?
Where did I end up?
Can I see my husband's face?
Did I make him happy?
Did I give him my whole heart?
When did our family come?
I would skip to all these parts.
If only this could happen;
if I could see my life's mistakes
and what it took to fix them,
what chances did I take?
What I wouldn't give to have it written out for me.
Where did God leave his book?
Why not out for me to see?
*"How you live your dash" is a nod to one of my favorite poems "The Dash" written by Linda Ellis*
Friday, March 29, 2013
For my amazing little sister
For my amazing little sister Micaela, always stand up for what you believe in but remember to always keep an open mind with people. Here's how I see it: I believe what I believe and you believe what you do. We may not agree but I will always listen and I expect the same from you. I will probably look up the "evidence" that you bring to a conversation and research your side and then my side again. If in the end I walk away agreeing with you, that's fine. If I walk away disagreeing with you and continue to believe what I think is right then, that's fine too. I won't be mean to you about it, think differently of you, or be hateful to your being. I might pull a Ron Burgandy and say "Agree to disagree. When in Rome", change the subject and then get some beers out of the fridge though.
Now, the reason for this post...My sister instagrammed the equality sign and the white cross on the field of red banner onto the same picture. She stated how she felt about it and then an ignorant person immediately attempted to railroad her- keyword: attempted. I say ignorant because she was unable to state any solid evidence for her argument nor was she willing to hear a view outside of her own. I didn't mean ignorant in the derogatory uneducated/unsophisticated sense that may apply to some out there in the world. After reading the feed I wanted to show my sister my support and share my take on the "issue" at hand. Unfortunately, my response was too long and it wouldn't let me post it. So, now it has made its way here....
"Came across this gem on your feed today :). Thought I'd help you out. Bear in mind, I'm not saying anyone is wrong nor am I attempting to change ones' beliefs. I'm just going to drop some knowledge... "you are choosing what portions of the Bible you want to obey", I really hope that by making that statement someone themselves is not doing the same thing. That being said, if that person is in fact not being hypocritical then I hope that they practice the following (remember, we shouldn't pick and choose): 1) don't store up material or wordly possessions (clothes, shoes, cars, money, etc). (Mt 6:19) The disciple can serve only one master and must choose between God and wealth (Mt 6:24). 2) invite strangers into your home. Feed them, water them, clothe them, nurse them to health, and visit them in prison. If you don't, then you can enjoy hanging out with the devil and his angels in his eternal fire (Mt 25:35-46). 3) lend money to your enemy without expecting repayment (Lk 6:35). 4) if you decide to host a meal, don't invite your friends, family, or wealthy neighbors. Rather, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, and the blind. To ensure that you will not be repaid for your service (Lk 14: 12-14). 5) you should never eat or touch the flesh of pigs or water dwelling creatures that lack scales or fins-along with a plethora of other creatures that you probably don't eat anyway. Well maybe you do, I don't know. You should check the list to be sure. So, no bacon, leather or shellfish for you (Lv 11: 4-12). 6) if as a woman, you pray without your head covered you are very shameful. ( 1Cor 11: 5-6). Oh you scandalous sinner, you. 7) if a damsel is not a virgin on her wedding day then it is expected that an angry mob drag her back to her father's house where they should stone her. Until death. Because she's a whore. Husbands are supposed to check for that and take it to her father who takes it to the the elders of the city to investigate if he finds that she isn't. And by investigate, I mean they're going to get all up in her business (Dt 22: 20-21). 8) if you're a woman you are not allowed to teach or hold a position of power over a man. Let alone speak to one(1Tm 2:11-12). I hope the phrase, "shut your mouth and make me a sandwich, woman" doesn't offend you. The list goes on, don't tempt me. That being said, not following the above rules and many more unlisted is considered sinning. That bit covers your sinners argument and your "stop choosing what portions of the bible you want to obey" argument. That last one mostly because I'd be willing to bet you didn't choose those portions I listed from the bible to obey. Thereby nullifying that entire argument.
Now, considering the separation of religion and state, the voting about gay rights that is happening right now literally has nothing to do with religious "marriage". It's calling for the government to recognize the civil union between two people who love each other just like they do for a heterosexual mono or biracial couple. Nobody said anything about making your church marry the homosexuals. Thousands of heterosexual couples get married through the government daily, do you think that it really bugs them if your church isn't the one signing the paper? I mean, last time I checked, your religious entities aren't the ones who are handling my taxes, insurance, beneficiaries, name change, legal benefits, will, or the people who get to visit me in the hospital if I'm dead or dying. That would be the my own responsibility and if I don't happen to do the paper work then its the government's job-all of the above would fall to my family or spouse by default. So, if your lesbian lover of 20 years dies in a freak accident you are just shit-out-of-luck. You basically don't exist. These responsibilities are not governed by your religion. This movement that is happening right now is to recognize the civil rights and liberties of human beings not to recognize who they are sleeping with and whether or not someone's God will smite them for it.
However, if this government issue ever somehow makes its way through your religious building's blockaded doors, I don't agree with the feelings that you are saying God most certainly has about it. I've never seen your God or heard him -he definitely sounds a whole lot more unloving than mine;though I'm willing to bet they are one in the same- and I'm sure you haven't either. However, if you have, then feel free to stop me. That being said, I'm pretty sure you don't KNOW whether he would care or not if a gay couple marries under his name. I mean the bible was written thousands of years ago. By. Man. God didn't pen it in his own hand. How can you be certain he even said it. Were you there? Can I borrow your time machine? Man wrote it. Man said God spoke it. Man demanded you believe it. And now man uses it to spread hatred and condemn others by claiming that God most definitely feels that way too. Now those who are against this recent civil rights movement are forcing their religious "moral"-I use quotes because I don't agree with what they consider moral, obviously - views down my throat. All because they somehow think that if someone they don't even know is allowed to get married to another someone they don't know by way of the government, that in some direct way their own religious lives and values will be disastrously affected. They somehow think it is morally acceptable to value their own status, life, well being, and liberties above another human being. Well, I don't. I don't agree with them and they don't agree with me but they can believe what they want as I believe what I do. I believe that MY God loves all beings. MY God values every life. MY God welcomes every sinner (which is everyone, hetero or homo, by the way). MY God would be disgusted at the morally corrupt behavior of people who are calling themselves Christians-and evidently their God feels that way toward me- but MY God would love them anyway. The strange thing is, as a Christian, MY God IS your God. So, what happens now?"
Now, the reason for this post...My sister instagrammed the equality sign and the white cross on the field of red banner onto the same picture. She stated how she felt about it and then an ignorant person immediately attempted to railroad her- keyword: attempted. I say ignorant because she was unable to state any solid evidence for her argument nor was she willing to hear a view outside of her own. I didn't mean ignorant in the derogatory uneducated/unsophisticated sense that may apply to some out there in the world. After reading the feed I wanted to show my sister my support and share my take on the "issue" at hand. Unfortunately, my response was too long and it wouldn't let me post it. So, now it has made its way here....
"Came across this gem on your feed today :). Thought I'd help you out. Bear in mind, I'm not saying anyone is wrong nor am I attempting to change ones' beliefs. I'm just going to drop some knowledge... "you are choosing what portions of the Bible you want to obey", I really hope that by making that statement someone themselves is not doing the same thing. That being said, if that person is in fact not being hypocritical then I hope that they practice the following (remember, we shouldn't pick and choose): 1) don't store up material or wordly possessions (clothes, shoes, cars, money, etc). (Mt 6:19) The disciple can serve only one master and must choose between God and wealth (Mt 6:24). 2) invite strangers into your home. Feed them, water them, clothe them, nurse them to health, and visit them in prison. If you don't, then you can enjoy hanging out with the devil and his angels in his eternal fire (Mt 25:35-46). 3) lend money to your enemy without expecting repayment (Lk 6:35). 4) if you decide to host a meal, don't invite your friends, family, or wealthy neighbors. Rather, invite the poor, the crippled, the lame, and the blind. To ensure that you will not be repaid for your service (Lk 14: 12-14). 5) you should never eat or touch the flesh of pigs or water dwelling creatures that lack scales or fins-along with a plethora of other creatures that you probably don't eat anyway. Well maybe you do, I don't know. You should check the list to be sure. So, no bacon, leather or shellfish for you (Lv 11: 4-12). 6) if as a woman, you pray without your head covered you are very shameful. ( 1Cor 11: 5-6). Oh you scandalous sinner, you. 7) if a damsel is not a virgin on her wedding day then it is expected that an angry mob drag her back to her father's house where they should stone her. Until death. Because she's a whore. Husbands are supposed to check for that and take it to her father who takes it to the the elders of the city to investigate if he finds that she isn't. And by investigate, I mean they're going to get all up in her business (Dt 22: 20-21). 8) if you're a woman you are not allowed to teach or hold a position of power over a man. Let alone speak to one(1Tm 2:11-12). I hope the phrase, "shut your mouth and make me a sandwich, woman" doesn't offend you. The list goes on, don't tempt me. That being said, not following the above rules and many more unlisted is considered sinning. That bit covers your sinners argument and your "stop choosing what portions of the bible you want to obey" argument. That last one mostly because I'd be willing to bet you didn't choose those portions I listed from the bible to obey. Thereby nullifying that entire argument.
Now, considering the separation of religion and state, the voting about gay rights that is happening right now literally has nothing to do with religious "marriage". It's calling for the government to recognize the civil union between two people who love each other just like they do for a heterosexual mono or biracial couple. Nobody said anything about making your church marry the homosexuals. Thousands of heterosexual couples get married through the government daily, do you think that it really bugs them if your church isn't the one signing the paper? I mean, last time I checked, your religious entities aren't the ones who are handling my taxes, insurance, beneficiaries, name change, legal benefits, will, or the people who get to visit me in the hospital if I'm dead or dying. That would be the my own responsibility and if I don't happen to do the paper work then its the government's job-all of the above would fall to my family or spouse by default. So, if your lesbian lover of 20 years dies in a freak accident you are just shit-out-of-luck. You basically don't exist. These responsibilities are not governed by your religion. This movement that is happening right now is to recognize the civil rights and liberties of human beings not to recognize who they are sleeping with and whether or not someone's God will smite them for it.
However, if this government issue ever somehow makes its way through your religious building's blockaded doors, I don't agree with the feelings that you are saying God most certainly has about it. I've never seen your God or heard him -he definitely sounds a whole lot more unloving than mine;though I'm willing to bet they are one in the same- and I'm sure you haven't either. However, if you have, then feel free to stop me. That being said, I'm pretty sure you don't KNOW whether he would care or not if a gay couple marries under his name. I mean the bible was written thousands of years ago. By. Man. God didn't pen it in his own hand. How can you be certain he even said it. Were you there? Can I borrow your time machine? Man wrote it. Man said God spoke it. Man demanded you believe it. And now man uses it to spread hatred and condemn others by claiming that God most definitely feels that way too. Now those who are against this recent civil rights movement are forcing their religious "moral"-I use quotes because I don't agree with what they consider moral, obviously - views down my throat. All because they somehow think that if someone they don't even know is allowed to get married to another someone they don't know by way of the government, that in some direct way their own religious lives and values will be disastrously affected. They somehow think it is morally acceptable to value their own status, life, well being, and liberties above another human being. Well, I don't. I don't agree with them and they don't agree with me but they can believe what they want as I believe what I do. I believe that MY God loves all beings. MY God values every life. MY God welcomes every sinner (which is everyone, hetero or homo, by the way). MY God would be disgusted at the morally corrupt behavior of people who are calling themselves Christians-and evidently their God feels that way toward me- but MY God would love them anyway. The strange thing is, as a Christian, MY God IS your God. So, what happens now?"
Saturday, October 13, 2012
The Collector
Her coffee was cold by now as she stirred it lazily with a spoon. Head rested on her hand; her mind lolled over his words from the beginning.
"Of course I like you, I talk to you everyday, I come to visit on the weekends. Would I do that if I didn't like you? I just don't want to be in a serious relationship for a while. I told you that from the get-go, right?"
She had heard those words so often before. From her own lips. It's what she said when she didn't really see a relationship going anywhere but liked having the company. She stopped listening to his feigned 'sorries' and dwelt in her thoughts. no wonder I steer clear of relationships. This feels awful! I always knew I was protecting myself from something . She had seen the hurt looking back at her from the other side of a table; just as hers had looked back at him now. She had always been able to keep eye contact, never faltering as she tore worlds apart. The eye contact was not broken at this moment either. "Karma is a bitch isn't she?" Her words cut his sentence off while he was in the midst of talking in circles around himself.
"Wait, what?" He stuttered, thrown off by her sudden input into the so far one sided conversation.
She laughed and finally took her eyes off the swirling, caramel colored drink. "I said, 'karma is a bitch'". Sitting up from her lazy slouch she breathed in deeply here we go she thought. "You don't have to explain yourself to me. I get it, really, I do. I've said the same thing to every person since my fiancé. Honestly, stop apologizing"
He stared wide eyed back at her. He wasn't accustomed to being told anything outright like that but she wasn't used to being told no. She never thought the shoe would be on the other foot, usually the wall she built up held strong against a pair of blue eyes; not this time. "How obnoxious", she whispered under her breath, accidentally saying her thoughts out loud. Shaking her head she continued, " I am usually the one saying this to people, nobody says this to me. I'm not trying to sound conceited but I don't let anyone close enough to pull this kind of stuff. I'm just angry with myself really. I let myself like you more than you liked me." She rolled her eyes in annoyance and muttered, "that won't be happening again".
Blue eyes looked back at her sadly really? You are giving me a pity look? Fuck that shit; the look made her blood boil. "Look, I don't really care what you do" , she really did, " I'm just going with the flow" she put on her best poker face. Sometimes her expressions gave away her thoughts but not this time. She wouldn't give him the pleasure of knowing that he had that power over her; the power to break her heart.
"I don't have time for this sort of silliness. I won't be someone's second choice. I won't be the one to fill someone's time just because they want a person to hang out with. I am too good for that. So, if you can say that somewhere down the line you see this working then I don't have a problem continuing this. Whatever this is."
Blank, sad eyes looked back at her, "So I keep you now or lose you forever?"
"What do you mean?" She was puzzled.
"you'll go find someone else."
"No I won't." She lied. a wise woman leaves before she is left looped through her mind; it had become her calling card by now. She wanted to leave an open window for if he ever came walking back into her life. If this is how he was going to play this game she wanted to make sure that he got back what he deserved, ten fold. Nobody was going to make her fall in love and then ruin her. Every man who tried always paid dearly for that mistake.
"Listen", she sighed, "You told me that you didn't want a relationship for a while right? Well, you can't drag me around. Figure your shit out and if I am still available then maybe we can talk; I probably won't be available but if I am then you can call."
She pushed her cup to the middle of her table and pressed her hands onto the edge. Biggest mistake you have ever made sliding her chair from under the table she stood and tossed some cash onto the table you will come back, they always do, she smirked at the thought. He watched her carefully, silently as she turned to walk out the door.
"I don't know what to say."
She stopped abruptly and looked back, "Don't say anything. Just fix yourself and come back to me okay?"
"Okay" he smiled, a little light returning to his eyes.
******
The darkness welcomed her as she opened the front door. Sweeping past the light switch she threw her handbag onto the floor in the entryway. Her path was rote; through the front door, ten steps forward, turn right. From there three steps to the left was the kitchen or fifteen steps in front of her was the living room. Moving forward she stopped just before the couch. Her eyes were adjusting now and she could see the faint outline of the television and the tall bookshelf standing next to it.
She was so proud of her bookshelf. She had crafted it herself and filled it to the brim with books both new and old. She loved the smell of the old yellowing books that she spent hours in antique stores searching for. The new ones she loved just as much as they were always filled with such amazing adventures. She glided toward it whimsically as her thoughts took her through the titles that she had carefully organized. She knew the location of each one. She paused in front of it fourth shelf down. Sixth book from the right. her fingers skimmed across the spines. She stopped as her finger tips felt the familiar ridges of the leather-bound novel. It was a collection of short stories by her favorite author Edgar Allan Poe.
She lifted it from it's resting place. The scent of the leather and aging pages wafted up to her nose and she breathed in deeply, closing her eyes. Holding it in her hands she opened the cover and ran her hand down the first page then over to the side. Finding the familiar notch along the edge she dug her nails into it and pulled the pages open. "Ah, there you are" she whispered as she found her favorite story, The Tell-Tale Heart. The carved hole beneath the title of the story revealed itself clearly against the stark white of the pages and she reached inside, fingers curling around a large antique brass key. She let the book fall to the floor and moved the key into the empty hole on the shelf that the novel had once occupied. She felt blindly for the key hole, the pitch black of the lightless room made it difficult to find the small hole. The key finally slipped into its resting place; she turned it carefully.
Click the bookshelf groaned and creaked as it popped open away from the wall. She pulled it open farther and walked inside. Flames shot up from the torches that lined the wall as she walked carefully down the hallway. The floor was carpeted in deep black and the walls seemed ominous as they glowed a deep red, reflecting the light of the flickering torches. Her every step echoed around her. She quickened her pace. At the end of the hall stood a tall door. It was a deep mahogany covered in rich hand carved designs and on it rested a large brass handle that was shaped like a ring. As she grew closer to the door her steps mixed with a deep steady sound, like the beating of a heart. With each step the beat became louder and seemed to multiply. Each sound had a different rhythm but the same steady familiar pace.
As she reached the door and touched the handle the pounding stopped. Every beat paused in anxiety as if whatever was behind the door could feel her presence. She sighed and closed her eyes, Smiled and opened them again. She pulled the heavy door open with all her might. She stepped through the threshold and the pounding resumed loudly, quickly, as if everything within the room was in a sudden panic. Flames poured through the room and leapt up to rest upon the torches that hung from the walls. "My dear sweet loves, how I have missed you", she stepped gracefully toward the middle of the room where a large marble table rested. The pounding was racing. So many rhythms each now with its own anxious pace. The sound was like being surrounded by dozens of drummers each one playing his own tune with no two alike.
She hummed to herself and twirled around sending her dress spinning open in a wide circle. Lifting her arms above her head she pirouetted around the table happily moving along with the beat of the drumming. Her eyes opened as she came to a stop in front of the table and looked longingly down at it. "I loved you all, you know. I did. I couldn't let you hurt me. You understand don't you?" She ran her hands along the boxes that rested atop the large table. Each one was intricate and unique matching the personalities of what laid inside.
"You will be having some company soon. There is another that I love. He thinks that he is going to leave me." She picked up the box closest to her hand. It shuddered and began to pulse violently in fear. "Now, now my love. Calm yourself. You are safe now and so am I. You can't hurt me when you are like this. Now I can hold you forever. You and all of my other loves. I have you forever." She carefully lifted the lid to the box in her hand and reached inside. "There, there now", the heart pulsed irregularly, beating in terror. She squeezed it gently, "I promised you once I would be careful. Did I lie? I saved you from your body. He was so careless. You would have been in so much more pain if I had left you in him, he would have gotten you broken." It raced trying desperately to leap from her hand. She lowered the heart back into the box and closed the lid, "You are safe here my love. No one can break you now." She placed it back onto the table and sat down next to it. Moving it and the other boxes around her she closed her eyes and began to hum. Smiling she touched the top of each one, "There will be another soon. There will be another."
"Of course I like you, I talk to you everyday, I come to visit on the weekends. Would I do that if I didn't like you? I just don't want to be in a serious relationship for a while. I told you that from the get-go, right?"
She had heard those words so often before. From her own lips. It's what she said when she didn't really see a relationship going anywhere but liked having the company. She stopped listening to his feigned 'sorries' and dwelt in her thoughts. no wonder I steer clear of relationships. This feels awful! I always knew I was protecting myself from something . She had seen the hurt looking back at her from the other side of a table; just as hers had looked back at him now. She had always been able to keep eye contact, never faltering as she tore worlds apart. The eye contact was not broken at this moment either. "Karma is a bitch isn't she?" Her words cut his sentence off while he was in the midst of talking in circles around himself.
"Wait, what?" He stuttered, thrown off by her sudden input into the so far one sided conversation.
She laughed and finally took her eyes off the swirling, caramel colored drink. "I said, 'karma is a bitch'". Sitting up from her lazy slouch she breathed in deeply here we go she thought. "You don't have to explain yourself to me. I get it, really, I do. I've said the same thing to every person since my fiancé. Honestly, stop apologizing"
He stared wide eyed back at her. He wasn't accustomed to being told anything outright like that but she wasn't used to being told no. She never thought the shoe would be on the other foot, usually the wall she built up held strong against a pair of blue eyes; not this time. "How obnoxious", she whispered under her breath, accidentally saying her thoughts out loud. Shaking her head she continued, " I am usually the one saying this to people, nobody says this to me. I'm not trying to sound conceited but I don't let anyone close enough to pull this kind of stuff. I'm just angry with myself really. I let myself like you more than you liked me." She rolled her eyes in annoyance and muttered, "that won't be happening again".
Blue eyes looked back at her sadly really? You are giving me a pity look? Fuck that shit; the look made her blood boil. "Look, I don't really care what you do" , she really did, " I'm just going with the flow" she put on her best poker face. Sometimes her expressions gave away her thoughts but not this time. She wouldn't give him the pleasure of knowing that he had that power over her; the power to break her heart.
"I don't have time for this sort of silliness. I won't be someone's second choice. I won't be the one to fill someone's time just because they want a person to hang out with. I am too good for that. So, if you can say that somewhere down the line you see this working then I don't have a problem continuing this. Whatever this is."
Blank, sad eyes looked back at her, "So I keep you now or lose you forever?"
"What do you mean?" She was puzzled.
"you'll go find someone else."
"No I won't." She lied. a wise woman leaves before she is left looped through her mind; it had become her calling card by now. She wanted to leave an open window for if he ever came walking back into her life. If this is how he was going to play this game she wanted to make sure that he got back what he deserved, ten fold. Nobody was going to make her fall in love and then ruin her. Every man who tried always paid dearly for that mistake.
"Listen", she sighed, "You told me that you didn't want a relationship for a while right? Well, you can't drag me around. Figure your shit out and if I am still available then maybe we can talk; I probably won't be available but if I am then you can call."
She pushed her cup to the middle of her table and pressed her hands onto the edge. Biggest mistake you have ever made sliding her chair from under the table she stood and tossed some cash onto the table you will come back, they always do, she smirked at the thought. He watched her carefully, silently as she turned to walk out the door.
"I don't know what to say."
She stopped abruptly and looked back, "Don't say anything. Just fix yourself and come back to me okay?"
"Okay" he smiled, a little light returning to his eyes.
******
The darkness welcomed her as she opened the front door. Sweeping past the light switch she threw her handbag onto the floor in the entryway. Her path was rote; through the front door, ten steps forward, turn right. From there three steps to the left was the kitchen or fifteen steps in front of her was the living room. Moving forward she stopped just before the couch. Her eyes were adjusting now and she could see the faint outline of the television and the tall bookshelf standing next to it.
She was so proud of her bookshelf. She had crafted it herself and filled it to the brim with books both new and old. She loved the smell of the old yellowing books that she spent hours in antique stores searching for. The new ones she loved just as much as they were always filled with such amazing adventures. She glided toward it whimsically as her thoughts took her through the titles that she had carefully organized. She knew the location of each one. She paused in front of it fourth shelf down. Sixth book from the right. her fingers skimmed across the spines. She stopped as her finger tips felt the familiar ridges of the leather-bound novel. It was a collection of short stories by her favorite author Edgar Allan Poe.
She lifted it from it's resting place. The scent of the leather and aging pages wafted up to her nose and she breathed in deeply, closing her eyes. Holding it in her hands she opened the cover and ran her hand down the first page then over to the side. Finding the familiar notch along the edge she dug her nails into it and pulled the pages open. "Ah, there you are" she whispered as she found her favorite story, The Tell-Tale Heart. The carved hole beneath the title of the story revealed itself clearly against the stark white of the pages and she reached inside, fingers curling around a large antique brass key. She let the book fall to the floor and moved the key into the empty hole on the shelf that the novel had once occupied. She felt blindly for the key hole, the pitch black of the lightless room made it difficult to find the small hole. The key finally slipped into its resting place; she turned it carefully.
Click the bookshelf groaned and creaked as it popped open away from the wall. She pulled it open farther and walked inside. Flames shot up from the torches that lined the wall as she walked carefully down the hallway. The floor was carpeted in deep black and the walls seemed ominous as they glowed a deep red, reflecting the light of the flickering torches. Her every step echoed around her. She quickened her pace. At the end of the hall stood a tall door. It was a deep mahogany covered in rich hand carved designs and on it rested a large brass handle that was shaped like a ring. As she grew closer to the door her steps mixed with a deep steady sound, like the beating of a heart. With each step the beat became louder and seemed to multiply. Each sound had a different rhythm but the same steady familiar pace.
As she reached the door and touched the handle the pounding stopped. Every beat paused in anxiety as if whatever was behind the door could feel her presence. She sighed and closed her eyes, Smiled and opened them again. She pulled the heavy door open with all her might. She stepped through the threshold and the pounding resumed loudly, quickly, as if everything within the room was in a sudden panic. Flames poured through the room and leapt up to rest upon the torches that hung from the walls. "My dear sweet loves, how I have missed you", she stepped gracefully toward the middle of the room where a large marble table rested. The pounding was racing. So many rhythms each now with its own anxious pace. The sound was like being surrounded by dozens of drummers each one playing his own tune with no two alike.
She hummed to herself and twirled around sending her dress spinning open in a wide circle. Lifting her arms above her head she pirouetted around the table happily moving along with the beat of the drumming. Her eyes opened as she came to a stop in front of the table and looked longingly down at it. "I loved you all, you know. I did. I couldn't let you hurt me. You understand don't you?" She ran her hands along the boxes that rested atop the large table. Each one was intricate and unique matching the personalities of what laid inside.
"You will be having some company soon. There is another that I love. He thinks that he is going to leave me." She picked up the box closest to her hand. It shuddered and began to pulse violently in fear. "Now, now my love. Calm yourself. You are safe now and so am I. You can't hurt me when you are like this. Now I can hold you forever. You and all of my other loves. I have you forever." She carefully lifted the lid to the box in her hand and reached inside. "There, there now", the heart pulsed irregularly, beating in terror. She squeezed it gently, "I promised you once I would be careful. Did I lie? I saved you from your body. He was so careless. You would have been in so much more pain if I had left you in him, he would have gotten you broken." It raced trying desperately to leap from her hand. She lowered the heart back into the box and closed the lid, "You are safe here my love. No one can break you now." She placed it back onto the table and sat down next to it. Moving it and the other boxes around her she closed her eyes and began to hum. Smiling she touched the top of each one, "There will be another soon. There will be another."
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Boredom has gotten the best of me ...again
So, I've been writing a book in my free time. I thought maybe I'll just start putting up pieces of what I have done. I am so bored lately so maybe this will give me the motivation to continue writing! Probably not, but it is the thought that counts.
Prologue: The Keeper of the Fates
Part 1
The sound of the rain pouring down through the trees mixed loudly with the racing hooves of a sleek, black stallion. The hooded rider tucked expertly under the incoming branches from the foliage around, moving as one with the horse. The dark night made it even more difficult for her to see through the rain, still she pulled her hood down lower covering her eyes, almost blocking her sight completely. Leaning in toward the horse she edged it faster over the wooded terrain. She felt the flex of every muscle in the powerful animal’s body as it was pushed to the limit. The faster she could get there the faster this all would be over. They both would be able to rest.
The lightning flashed in the sky above, illuminating the realm around her. She began counting the seconds until she heard the sound of thunder. “One. Two. Three” She counted slowly, “Four. Five”. Thunder rolled in the near distance. The loud rumble lasted for what seemed like an eternity. The storm is close now. It will be on top of her soon, she knew the worst of it was yet to come. She leaned forward into her stallion again, “Please go faster, boy. I know you can do it. I know it’s hard but we will be there soon”. The horse snorted through his nostrils and pushed down harder into the soft ground, pressing faster into the darkness.
“It should be close now”, she thought aloud. She glanced up and squinted, straining to see through the rain. In the distance a cave was aglow with firelight, “There, that’s it.” The thunder clapped again nearly just over her head. “If I don’t get there tonight I won’t have another chance at this. A storm this size only happens once. Come on boy. Hiyah!” They raced forward quickly gaining on their destination.
Nearing their purpose in the mountainside, the rider began to slow her horse, “Easy boy, easy. You did it”. She pulled back the reigns bringing the mighty horse to a stop. He stomped his feet loudly, expressing his irritation for having been pushed so hard for so long in these dreary conditions. She rubbed his neck apologetically and pulled him toward the cave with caution. She had no choice; this had to be done tonight.
Hood still lowered she slowly approached the wide, open mouth of the cave. Next to the fire sat a hunched figure. Thunder clapped again. She jumped, startled at the abrupt sound breaking into her careful concentration. She had inadvertently let out a gasp as her body jolted along with the powerful crash. The hunched figure shuffled in its place and began to turn slowly to face her, her gasp had alerted the shadow-like form to her presence. She stopped suddenly as she saw the movement and held her breath, frightened. Her horse began shuffling back and forth, sensing her fear and reacting as if begging her to retreat. She stood still, waiting.
The figure was turned toward her now, face masked by the darkness and the flickering firelight behind it. Raising its arm it beckoned her closer. She began to move again into the shelter of the massive cavern. Her horse stood still, forcing his hooves into the ground. He sensed the danger in the approach and tried earnestly to prevent moving any closer. She tugged on the reigns, they both needed to be out of the rain. Hesitantly, he began to move. She pulled him closer to her. In case things went poorly she would need quick access to an escape.
Prologue: The Keeper of the Fates
Part 1
The sound of the rain pouring down through the trees mixed loudly with the racing hooves of a sleek, black stallion. The hooded rider tucked expertly under the incoming branches from the foliage around, moving as one with the horse. The dark night made it even more difficult for her to see through the rain, still she pulled her hood down lower covering her eyes, almost blocking her sight completely. Leaning in toward the horse she edged it faster over the wooded terrain. She felt the flex of every muscle in the powerful animal’s body as it was pushed to the limit. The faster she could get there the faster this all would be over. They both would be able to rest.
The lightning flashed in the sky above, illuminating the realm around her. She began counting the seconds until she heard the sound of thunder. “One. Two. Three” She counted slowly, “Four. Five”. Thunder rolled in the near distance. The loud rumble lasted for what seemed like an eternity. The storm is close now. It will be on top of her soon, she knew the worst of it was yet to come. She leaned forward into her stallion again, “Please go faster, boy. I know you can do it. I know it’s hard but we will be there soon”. The horse snorted through his nostrils and pushed down harder into the soft ground, pressing faster into the darkness.
“It should be close now”, she thought aloud. She glanced up and squinted, straining to see through the rain. In the distance a cave was aglow with firelight, “There, that’s it.” The thunder clapped again nearly just over her head. “If I don’t get there tonight I won’t have another chance at this. A storm this size only happens once. Come on boy. Hiyah!” They raced forward quickly gaining on their destination.
Nearing their purpose in the mountainside, the rider began to slow her horse, “Easy boy, easy. You did it”. She pulled back the reigns bringing the mighty horse to a stop. He stomped his feet loudly, expressing his irritation for having been pushed so hard for so long in these dreary conditions. She rubbed his neck apologetically and pulled him toward the cave with caution. She had no choice; this had to be done tonight.
Hood still lowered she slowly approached the wide, open mouth of the cave. Next to the fire sat a hunched figure. Thunder clapped again. She jumped, startled at the abrupt sound breaking into her careful concentration. She had inadvertently let out a gasp as her body jolted along with the powerful crash. The hunched figure shuffled in its place and began to turn slowly to face her, her gasp had alerted the shadow-like form to her presence. She stopped suddenly as she saw the movement and held her breath, frightened. Her horse began shuffling back and forth, sensing her fear and reacting as if begging her to retreat. She stood still, waiting.
The figure was turned toward her now, face masked by the darkness and the flickering firelight behind it. Raising its arm it beckoned her closer. She began to move again into the shelter of the massive cavern. Her horse stood still, forcing his hooves into the ground. He sensed the danger in the approach and tried earnestly to prevent moving any closer. She tugged on the reigns, they both needed to be out of the rain. Hesitantly, he began to move. She pulled him closer to her. In case things went poorly she would need quick access to an escape.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
The House on Sleepy Hollow
The sky was grey and dreary as I rode around the corner of the entrance to my old subdivision. The dark, deep brown house that terrified me when I was little stood ominously to my left. I rode slowly forward looking for a shorter or quicker path to my destination. I was searching for something, someone I think.
I came upon my old house and the gate stood partially opened. Riding closer I was able to kick it wider and pedal through, my sister rode with me keeping close behind. I followed up along the gate riding on a cement slab that I don't remember being there when I was awake, but it was there now so I lead my bike over it. My old swing set was bigger here in my dreams; longer, darker, foreign. I continued past it looking around for the other opening in the tall wooden privacy fence. Moving my bike onward fear began to grow in my gut. Maybe it was anxiety. Feelings can be so similar in dreams.
As I pushed on the pedals of the bike, that I once rode when I was young, I felt a pain on the bottoms of my feet. Sharp, stabbing pain. I pushed harder, still the pain only grew. I looked down to my feet and lifted them away from the bicycle. Where there had been flat, plastic, white pedals was only the metal that had once held them. On both sides the metal stood straight up, pinched closed on the ends. Why did this experience have to be so painful all of the sudden? I put my feet back down and started moving again, ignoring the pain that followed each rotation.
Finally, the other entrance gate in the fence was within view. I sped to it hoping that the new owners to this house would not catch me, I didn't know them, they could be dangerous. I zipped through, rolling into the street. My eyes focused on the house that I came here for. A little one story ranch just down the road a few houses before the cul-de-sac. Its roof slanted downward over the dark blue siding. The front door was tucked back into the porch hidden behind some tall foliage. As I neared it the other homes that lived in my childhood memories blurred together; foggy relics of places and people I once knew.
After what seemed like an eternity I reached the house where I had spent many days playing and laughing. I hopped off my bike and looked back. My sister was still there right behind me but everything else had disappeared. It was only the two of us and this house. I took a deep breath and climbed the steps to on the porch leading to the door, raised my fist to knock and paused in fear of what would happen next. I urged myself to keep going. With my stomach in my throat I rapped lightly on the door and waited for an answer.
A tall, wide set man in a tan bowling shirt replied to my hesitant knocking by opening the door and stepping out. His dark brown eyes glistened as he smiled broadly down toward my sister and me. Looking up at this abnormally tall man I asked him for a specific family name and whether they resided there. He chuckled kindly and replied, "No, they don't live here anymore. Maybe you could try one of the other houses." He pointed off in the direction of the cul-de-sac.
I whirled around and suddenly I stood at the end of the drive staring wide-eyed at the picture before me. The world around me had disappeared and I was alone in front of a huge yellow house. The windows and door were as dark as ink that had spilled across the table from the bottle. As friendly as the color may have been it was the dark black of the rest of the house that caused my stomach to leap back to my throat. It was as if the house was telling me what I already knew.
The blank darkness of the glass hurled itself toward me as the memories flooded back. I wasn't searching for a family. I was searching for one person. One person that could not be found here in this small blue house that I rode to. Not there in that bright yellow house with the jet black features marring its sunny face. I already know where this person is and they can never be found again. Not here in this dream of mine and not in the world where I am awake.
Still I search. For fifteen years I have searched. Looking here in this world of dreams knowing that this place might be the only place I can find them. I still can't find them. My heart begging to be forgiven for a fault from long ago. To take back events. To change the order of time. To alter a moment so small and so fleeting that it should not have mattered at all. It was worth the flicker of a humming bird's wing, the flutter of an eye before it closes to sleep, or a whisper in the wind that blows through the autumn trees. These things, these small insignificant things change every moment that follows like a ripple in a calm glass lake gleaming as the sun begins to rise from its slumber.
It is curious how everything froze in my one small moment, trapped by death to remain un-mended. Rippling for always by a miniscule stone tossed repeatedly into the same center in a continuos loop through time. To leave me searching forever for the shore that may stop it. Forever for the mend to the fault.
I fear I will have to search my dreams for eternity.
I came upon my old house and the gate stood partially opened. Riding closer I was able to kick it wider and pedal through, my sister rode with me keeping close behind. I followed up along the gate riding on a cement slab that I don't remember being there when I was awake, but it was there now so I lead my bike over it. My old swing set was bigger here in my dreams; longer, darker, foreign. I continued past it looking around for the other opening in the tall wooden privacy fence. Moving my bike onward fear began to grow in my gut. Maybe it was anxiety. Feelings can be so similar in dreams.
As I pushed on the pedals of the bike, that I once rode when I was young, I felt a pain on the bottoms of my feet. Sharp, stabbing pain. I pushed harder, still the pain only grew. I looked down to my feet and lifted them away from the bicycle. Where there had been flat, plastic, white pedals was only the metal that had once held them. On both sides the metal stood straight up, pinched closed on the ends. Why did this experience have to be so painful all of the sudden? I put my feet back down and started moving again, ignoring the pain that followed each rotation.
Finally, the other entrance gate in the fence was within view. I sped to it hoping that the new owners to this house would not catch me, I didn't know them, they could be dangerous. I zipped through, rolling into the street. My eyes focused on the house that I came here for. A little one story ranch just down the road a few houses before the cul-de-sac. Its roof slanted downward over the dark blue siding. The front door was tucked back into the porch hidden behind some tall foliage. As I neared it the other homes that lived in my childhood memories blurred together; foggy relics of places and people I once knew.
After what seemed like an eternity I reached the house where I had spent many days playing and laughing. I hopped off my bike and looked back. My sister was still there right behind me but everything else had disappeared. It was only the two of us and this house. I took a deep breath and climbed the steps to on the porch leading to the door, raised my fist to knock and paused in fear of what would happen next. I urged myself to keep going. With my stomach in my throat I rapped lightly on the door and waited for an answer.
A tall, wide set man in a tan bowling shirt replied to my hesitant knocking by opening the door and stepping out. His dark brown eyes glistened as he smiled broadly down toward my sister and me. Looking up at this abnormally tall man I asked him for a specific family name and whether they resided there. He chuckled kindly and replied, "No, they don't live here anymore. Maybe you could try one of the other houses." He pointed off in the direction of the cul-de-sac.
I whirled around and suddenly I stood at the end of the drive staring wide-eyed at the picture before me. The world around me had disappeared and I was alone in front of a huge yellow house. The windows and door were as dark as ink that had spilled across the table from the bottle. As friendly as the color may have been it was the dark black of the rest of the house that caused my stomach to leap back to my throat. It was as if the house was telling me what I already knew.
The blank darkness of the glass hurled itself toward me as the memories flooded back. I wasn't searching for a family. I was searching for one person. One person that could not be found here in this small blue house that I rode to. Not there in that bright yellow house with the jet black features marring its sunny face. I already know where this person is and they can never be found again. Not here in this dream of mine and not in the world where I am awake.
Still I search. For fifteen years I have searched. Looking here in this world of dreams knowing that this place might be the only place I can find them. I still can't find them. My heart begging to be forgiven for a fault from long ago. To take back events. To change the order of time. To alter a moment so small and so fleeting that it should not have mattered at all. It was worth the flicker of a humming bird's wing, the flutter of an eye before it closes to sleep, or a whisper in the wind that blows through the autumn trees. These things, these small insignificant things change every moment that follows like a ripple in a calm glass lake gleaming as the sun begins to rise from its slumber.
It is curious how everything froze in my one small moment, trapped by death to remain un-mended. Rippling for always by a miniscule stone tossed repeatedly into the same center in a continuos loop through time. To leave me searching forever for the shore that may stop it. Forever for the mend to the fault.
I fear I will have to search my dreams for eternity.
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