Lost: 200lbs of extra person. Found: Sweet Freedom

"Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Don't. Stop. Breathing." I closed my eyes to concentrate harder on the words as I whispered them. Another anxiety attack at work. Another moment that I let my thoughts and hurt feelings get the best of me. Another strike from a bolt of reality bringing me to the painful realization that I'm not wanted. It comes in the weirdest forms; a song, a smell, a word, a picture, the sun, a tree, a dog, the breeze, the freaking sound of time passing. Everything in, on, or around my environment retains a strong probability of triggering emotional pain. All of it a direct result of being lied to for two years and one devastating phone call. A phone call.

In our fast paced world of texting, social networking, poking, prodding, liking, and following, it is incredibly easy for people to hide behind a mask of technology. It allows for a comfortable amount of disconnect from facing situations that may cause uneasiness. Why deal with having a real conversation, a face to face discussion, to completely wreck someone's confidence, life, dreams, and feeling of self worth when you can do it over the phone and then hang up on them when it gets too uncomfortable? That way, you don't have to explain yourself, you never have to give direct answers, and you don't have to see the pain that you are causing. With your shield of technology you don't have to answer the phone when they call, return texts, or emails, or utilize whatever other mode of contact one might use to get through to someone. Technology gives you an out to be one and done. Oh I'm sorry, those of you who hide behind your phone, your cowardice is showing.

I wish I could put into words the slew of emotions that I have been through since I got that self-serving phone call. Essentially I got exposure to all five stages of grief on a daily basis. Multiple times a day. Strangest emotional experience of my life. One that I never desire to have ever again nor would I wish it upon any mortal enemy. Then, out of nowhere, after all of that pain, all of the tears, all of the processing, writing, and meditating, I finally had a strangely foreign feeling of peace. Freedom. Pure happiness.

What? Happiness? I thought I was happy for the last two years! Where is this coming from? It hit me. Like Miley Cyrus on a wrecking ball, it hit me. I was miserable the last two years. I was so in love with the thought of being in love that I forced myself to think I was happy. What the hell was wrong with me? I spent the last two years putting up with being pushed to the side, neglected, ignored, lied to, put down, brought down, and disrespected all because I thought that some other person was right for me. I spent two years buying into the pretend feelings someone claimed to have; catering to someone who cared more about themselves and how they were feeling or how they might be affected without ever giving my feelings a passing glance. Why did I do this? Well, truth be told, I'm a giver. To a fault, obviously. I like helping people. Making people happy makes me happy. There's a reason that I work in the field I do and it is because I get the most amazing feeling when I know that I have positively affected someone else's life. That is why I wasted two years of my life, because I was working to make someone else happy. At the expense of myself. I see that now. I learned a rough lesson from it. I'm better from it.

Today, I had a moment of weakness. I let their words get to me again. I let them bring me down again. I let them poke a hole in my freshly mended but still vulnerable feeling of self worth. Again. I fought back tears on the way home and as I moved robotically through my after work routine. Then, as I laced up my shoes to begin my evening run, I sat up and stared at the wall. Out of nowhere that strange easy feeling drifted over me and I looked around to see my world for how perfect it was now. I no longer have to deal with feeling like I am not worth someone's time. I don't have to listen to someone pick apart my every flaw and bring up my past mistakes daily. I don't have to listen to someone call me everyday, after I've had a long 8 hours of work, and expect support from me for their problems at work, with their friends they thought were annoying, or their overbearing family members only to have that person scoff in annoyance and end the conversation when I needed to talk out my stressors in life. I no longer had to sit around and waste my time wondering what I did wrong or what I could do to make it all better for them. I have no reason to spend my days caring for someone who couldn't care less for me when I have already wasted 730 days of my life doing just that.

With one fell swoop, one phone call, I lost my world, my entire future, my love; I lost a whole 200 pounds of extra person from myself. A whole person was just completely gone from my life as a result of one horrible call. Though I did not see it at the time, I can see it clearly now, with that same phone call I found my sweet freedom.

My feet hit the pavement and a light spring breeze hit my face as I took to the sidewalk. Steps that had once been a struggle to complete now came to me with ease. I smiled as the cool air surrounded me and encouraged me to keep moving forward. I didn't have to remind myself to keep breathing; I just did.

The Home She Once Loved

The gentle tapping of the water droplets echoed around her, bouncing off of the now glistening ink black pavement. The cool rain seeped down her face and onto her dress sending a chill through her bones; a shudder that seemed out of place on such a stuffy summer evening. She welcomed the brief reprieve from this unseasonably hot July. Realizing that she had been standing still for far too long she finally looked around blinking the rain from her eyes,thankful that it hid her tears. It had been a long time since she had really been in this place and the memories flooded back to her so quickly that it was painful. Walking slowly along the street, she approached the home that she had once loved so much. It stood quietly inside a cove of trees which, at their fullest, blocked the small one-story cabin from view.

The dim light from inside the house shone through the semi-sheer curtains that hung in the windows. She smiled. She had looked through a dozen different stores until she finally found those curtains. They fit the room so perfectly that Will uncharacteristically agreed that they were worth the price tag. It was either that or he had grown so tired of shopping for curtains that he just gave in to the purchase. Whatever the reason, they still hung in the windows and they still looked perfect.

As she moved further up the drive she heard laughter coming from the back and smelled the undeniable scent of a dying bonfire. The bonfire pit had been the first project for the cabin. She and Will had wanted a place where they could sit and enjoy the world around them, either with all their friends or just themselves. So, they built a large covered porch onto the back of the house with a stone fire pit that could double as a grill. Grilling outside was one of Will's favorite things to do. She laughed to herself as she remembered all the nights that they had spent around the fire drinking beer and making burgers. Those nights were the definition of happiness. She missed them. She shook the thoughts away and walked toward the laughter.

Everything around her looked just as it had the day that she left, with the exception of the bright red sport car that was parked neatly next to a nearly identical black one. It was ironic that he had found someone who had a car so similar to the one that he loved so much. Almost like it was fate. A fate that wouldn't have happened if she had just stayed; if she hadn't been so afraid of forever that she left the only person who had made her world make sense. Somehow she had convinced herself that they weren't right for each other, that he didn't love her, that they wouldn't work out in the end, and so she left. It was the biggest mistake that she had ever made. Well, not the biggest mistake. There was one much bigger. She furrowed her brow, she couldn't take that one back now no matter how badly she wanted to.

The rain had turned into a light drizzle now, dripping over the leaves of the trees quietly, peacefully. It was a relaxing sound that mixed with the other soft noises of nature around her. She stopped for a moment and breathed in deeply. A breath so deep that it should have mended the ache in her chest. It was the type of ache that made you feel as though you could never catch a full breath again; like something was pushing onto your chest so firmly that one would feel trapped within themselves. She looked down at her bare feet covered in wet grass, she was sure that hadn't been able to catch her breath for years now. Laughter broke her drifting thoughts and she resumed her silent walk through the trees to the back of the house.

What would he think if he knew that she was here. What would SHE think if she knew that his ex was here, standing only yards away from the house that they had once planned to spend their lives in. She wondered if Will had even mentioned her to his new flame with the little red sports car. Pausing not far from the two people who were the source of the laughter she eased herself between two trees so that she could see him clearly. Her Will. Her love. Her life. She wanted to run to him. To hold him so tightly that the past changed itself, as if it had never had happened.

She lunged forward at the thought of being near him again but stopped herself abruptly mid-step. The sudden movement had caught his eye and he looked toward the tree that she hoped hid her from view. Holding her breath she waited. Had he seen her? Will stared intently into the darkness, sure that he had seen a figure standing there between the trees. As if he stared hard enough the figure might reappear.

"Will. Will. William!" The shrill voice of the woman sitting next to him broke his concentration and he looked away from the darkened spot in the distance.

"Huh? What?"

"Will, what is wrong? What are you looking at?"

"I saw...at least I thought I saw...you know what, it was nothing." He looked back into the darkness and shook his head, "It was nothing."

"Are you sure it was nothing? Will, you are shaking. Should we call the police or something?"

Will put his head in his hand and sighed. "No. I'm sorry, I was just startled. I thought I saw something move over there and it caught me off guard. It's nothing to worry about."

The dark shadows from the trees had done their job and hid her from his view. She eased out from behind them again, slowly this time so as not to alert him. She could watch him more easily this way, an unobstructed view into the life that she should have had. The moments passed slowly as she watched the woman sitting next to him stroke his hair and squeeze his hand. Her stomach jumped from heartache. He looked so happy sitting there with her, his wife. Suddenly, he looked up into the darkness. He stood up quickly from his seat letting his beer fall from his hand and shatter onto the dark treated wood beneath his feet. He had seen her through the trees. For sure this time. Her heart sank as she stole one last look at him and turned on her heels to run deep into the darkness behind her.

Will stood still, feet frozen to the ground, breathing quickly in panic. He had seen her standing there. He was sure of it this time. There was no mistaking the tall, slim figure with long hair pasted to the frame of her face from the rain. It was her. He jumped when his wife grabbed his arm, "William, what on earth? What is wrong with you?"

"I saw her. There, between the trees. Just standing. I saw her." His eyes never left the spot as he spoke.

"What? Who? I am calling the police. This is insane."

"Stop." He turned toward her and grabbed the phone from her hand. "Don't. Stop. She isn't there anymore."

"Who the hell are you talking about?"

"Lina."

"Your ex? Oh I am definitely calling the cops now. That is fucking nuts, Will! Are you kidding me? Your ex is standing in our yard watching us from the trees!"

Will held the phone firmly in his hand as he looked back toward the darkness. "No, you don't understand. She's gone now. There's no point."

The short blonde woman stared at him in disbelief. "Is this a joke? What would she be doing here? What if she comes back? Why the hell would she not come knock on the door rather than hide in the trees to watch us?"

He turned back to his wife. Face blank from the shock of being startled. "You don't understand. You won't need to worry about her." The small woman appeared even smaller as she looked up at him, worried. "She is gone. She won't come back. I am sure of it."

"How do you know?" She asked, her voice starting to quiver.

"Because," His face grew somber and the color faded from it once more, "she is dead, Emily."

"Huh?" Emily stepped back from him. "No she isn't. She was just standing there. You saw her. Besides, I would have known. You would have told me something like that."

"Emily, Lina killed herself on the day that you and I were married."

Emily fell back into her chair. Shaking she tried to regain her composure. "This is ridiculous, Will. Stop it right now."

"I didn't tell you because I didn't want it to freak you out." Will sat next to her and held her hand gently to try to calm her. "Emily, when we left that night after the reception we went straight to the airport for our trip to Hawaii. I had a few of the guys take all of the gifts and extra things back to the house because I knew it would be a week before we were back. I didn't want our parents to worry about moving it all back and forth. When they got here there was a dwindling fire in the fire pit and empty beer bottles strewn around the porch. It was raining. They knew someone had been here so they checked around to see if they could find anything else." He stopped talking and pulled his hand away. He stood up warily and took a few steps toward the spot in the trees that he had stared at so intently just a few moments ago.

"Emily." His voice trailed off. "Emily, Lina and I were supposed to get married. She left before the wedding day. I saw her a few times here and there after that and she seemed fine. She always told me, on those times we met, that I was the one for her. She never asked me to take her back though. She said that she could see I was happy and didn't want to take that away from me."

He turned to Emily sitting in the chair, her face pale from shock. "They found her in her wedding dress," a tear ran silently down his face, "hanging from that tree." He pointed back to shadowed place in the wooded cove. "They took care of calling the police. Everything was sorted out before we got home. I made them swear to never tell you. I am sorry. I know that I should have said something."

Emily looked from her husband to the tree and back again, stood warily, then raced into the house. He remained for a moment squinting into the black of the night. "I'm sorry Lina," he whispered before going into the house to try to calm his wife.

Standing in the darkness, alone, out of breath, and weary from running, Lina watched through tear filled eyes as Will walked away. She has been running through this darkness for years now. There is no way out. She had hoped that she would be happier here in the place that she loved. She thought that maybe she could stay here in the moments that she cherished and relive them for an eternity. Instead, she found herself trapped in these trees, destined to watch the love that she should have had thrive in someone else's heart. "I am sorry too," she whispered back before resuming her endless walk through the trees surrounding the home that she once loved.