"Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Don't. Stop. Breathing." I closed my eyes to concentrate harder on the words as I whispered them. Another anxiety attack at work. Another moment that I let my thoughts and hurt feelings get the best of me. Another strike from a bolt of reality bringing me to the painful realization that I'm not wanted. It comes in the weirdest forms; a song, a smell, a word, a picture, the sun, a tree, a dog, the breeze, the freaking sound of time passing. Everything in, on, or around my environment retains a strong probability of triggering emotional pain. All of it a direct result of being lied to for two years and one devastating phone call. A phone call.
In our fast paced world of texting, social networking, poking, prodding, liking, and following, it is incredibly easy for people to hide behind a mask of technology. It allows for a comfortable amount of disconnect from facing situations that may cause uneasiness. Why deal with having a real conversation, a face to face discussion, to completely wreck someone's confidence, life, dreams, and feeling of self worth when you can do it over the phone and then hang up on them when it gets too uncomfortable? That way, you don't have to explain yourself, you never have to give direct answers, and you don't have to see the pain that you are causing. With your shield of technology you don't have to answer the phone when they call, return texts, or emails, or utilize whatever other mode of contact one might use to get through to someone. Technology gives you an out to be one and done. Oh I'm sorry, those of you who hide behind your phone, your cowardice is showing.
I wish I could put into words the slew of emotions that I have been through since I got that self-serving phone call. Essentially I got exposure to all five stages of grief on a daily basis. Multiple times a day. Strangest emotional experience of my life. One that I never desire to have ever again nor would I wish it upon any mortal enemy. Then, out of nowhere, after all of that pain, all of the tears, all of the processing, writing, and meditating, I finally had a strangely foreign feeling of peace. Freedom. Pure happiness.
What? Happiness? I thought I was happy for the last two years! Where is this coming from? It hit me. Like Miley Cyrus on a wrecking ball, it hit me. I was miserable the last two years. I was so in love with the thought of being in love that I forced myself to think I was happy. What the hell was wrong with me? I spent the last two years putting up with being pushed to the side, neglected, ignored, lied to, put down, brought down, and disrespected all because I thought that some other person was right for me. I spent two years buying into the pretend feelings someone claimed to have; catering to someone who cared more about themselves and how they were feeling or how they might be affected without ever giving my feelings a passing glance. Why did I do this? Well, truth be told, I'm a giver. To a fault, obviously. I like helping people. Making people happy makes me happy. There's a reason that I work in the field I do and it is because I get the most amazing feeling when I know that I have positively affected someone else's life. That is why I wasted two years of my life, because I was working to make someone else happy. At the expense of myself. I see that now. I learned a rough lesson from it. I'm better from it.
Today, I had a moment of weakness. I let their words get to me again. I let them bring me down again. I let them poke a hole in my freshly mended but still vulnerable feeling of self worth. Again. I fought back tears on the way home and as I moved robotically through my after work routine. Then, as I laced up my shoes to begin my evening run, I sat up and stared at the wall. Out of nowhere that strange easy feeling drifted over me and I looked around to see my world for how perfect it was now. I no longer have to deal with feeling like I am not worth someone's time. I don't have to listen to someone pick apart my every flaw and bring up my past mistakes daily. I don't have to listen to someone call me everyday, after I've had a long 8 hours of work, and expect support from me for their problems at work, with their friends they thought were annoying, or their overbearing family members only to have that person scoff in annoyance and end the conversation when I needed to talk out my stressors in life. I no longer had to sit around and waste my time wondering what I did wrong or what I could do to make it all better for them. I have no reason to spend my days caring for someone who couldn't care less for me when I have already wasted 730 days of my life doing just that.
With one fell swoop, one phone call, I lost my world, my entire future, my love; I lost a whole 200 pounds of extra person from myself. A whole person was just completely gone from my life as a result of one horrible call. Though I did not see it at the time, I can see it clearly now, with that same phone call I found my sweet freedom.
My feet hit the pavement and a light spring breeze hit my face as I took to the sidewalk. Steps that had once been a struggle to complete now came to me with ease. I smiled as the cool air surrounded me and encouraged me to keep moving forward. I didn't have to remind myself to keep breathing; I just did.
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